Alien Lovers?

I was strolling the mall about a week ago

Looking for salvation and a path to elation.

In this seasons colours I looked for that thing

That would brighten me life and give it some zing.

‘Cause ya know what it’s like when yer down and sad

ya start to desire stuff you’ve never ‘ad.

Now a strange thing happened on me promenade

With me plastic bags and gold credit card.

I was fighting me way up the escalator -

It was like a scene from the terminator.

An entity appeared outside HMV

And it said, “ hey Mavis come with me”

It looked at me passionately and winked it’s big eye,

Pointed to the clouds and said ‘I come from the sky’.

I thought, just a minute mate this can’t be right

This wierd looking object -you can imagine me plight?

I said “look luv you seem a long way from home,

If you’re lost or something just borrow me phone.”

IT moved towards me and said “you don’t understand,

I come from zeta reticula and I’m not too particular.

I am on a mission to perform lascivious fission

With a human entity cos that’s how it’s meant to be -

To create a field of sensual energy,

Exchange DNA and do some sexual activity”.

“I said you have to realise that me orientation towards metal folk

Means I can’t get involved ‘ - is this some kind of joke”?

But IT seemed serious and me – well I was delerious.

It spoke again saying “I’ll light a candle just hold on to me handle.”

I said “look mate you don’t look very chic -

Your made of bits of metal and you look a bit weak”

I looked into it’s eye which wouldn’t stop winking and said,

“Just give me a minute cos I need to do some thinking”

IT said “don’t take too long and come back to mine

I’ve got a saucer on the roof and it travels at zero time.

I want to shoot you up and make you go zoom

And I don’t have a problem with sonic boom.

Just obey me that I may convey thee

From earth to infinity and so lose my virginity.”

Now I once read a book about sentient devices.

They performed just like us with similar vices.

But this funky looking cerebral machine

Had emotional intelligence and was mindful with relevance.

So I reasoned it out and without any doubt

It had proposed a motion of love and devotion.

I lit up a fag which I found in me bag

To ponder and deliberate then I shouted

 “hey! excuse me mate.” 

Can give me yer name? cos it would be a shame

To delight in such passion when I hardly know ya

In that kind o’ fashion.

If we’re gonna take flight at the speed o’ light

I need a gaurantee that you’ll be nice to me. 

It hovered toward me with love in its eye. 

I swear by the goddess it would’ve laid down and died

If I’d refused its advances of strange erotic dances

And I didn’t want to damage its pride.

Then peculiar sounds and wobbly advances

Made me eyes go pop and me breathing stop...

Then I knew this was the end of our romances.

Some cat from Japan (well a clever looking man)

Stood pointing a thingamy with an arial an a battery.

I said, “Hey, leave ‘im alone cos he’s a long way from home

He’s me ticket to the stars -  well anyway past Mars.

Just don’t interfere, with me alien lover

He means more to me than me dad and me bruvva.

Disarm yerself now and give us  possibility

That our love will take flight – we don’t need this hostility.”

I begged an I pleaded and me heart, well, it bleeded –

I’d made no preparation for the angst of separation.

The guy with slitty eyes laughed and chuckled till he cried.

He said, “lady, you’re a nut and this device has gone caput.

I shall see that it’s  restored to it’s original specifications

For its present orientation is breaking regulations.

This one’s out of service since it went all subversive.

But come back next week for a preliminary peek

At a super new device that we think is very nice.

It takes pictures an videos an plays yer favourite tunes.

It doesn’t cost the earth and won’t promise ya the moon.

If you want to heal yer heart which is full of distress

I’ll reserve one just for you –

-          we take American Express.”